Speaking of dramatic, let’s talk about James Comey, who has somehow morphed from the stoic lawman who once prosecuted mobsters into what Charlie Kirk aptly described as someone who “makes cringe posts like a childless 50-year-old liberal woman on Facebook.” And boy, did he deliver a doozy recently.
The Shell Game That Shocked the Nation
If you’ve been living under a rock (or maybe just taking a much-needed break from the political hellscape of social media), let me catch you up. Our former FBI Director decided to share a beach photo on Instagram featuring seashells arranged to display “86 47.” For those not fluent in coded assassination language (and honestly, why would you be?), “86” is often used in restaurant lingo to mean “remove from the menu” or “get rid of,” while “47” just happens to be the number associated with the 47th President of the United States, one Donald J. Trump.Innocent beach day documentation? Perhaps. A thinly veiled suggestion that someone should take out the former and current president? That’s what half the country immediately thought.
The post was captioned with the oh-so-innocent “Cool shell formation on my beach walk,” as if Comey just happened upon this arrangement while strolling along, minding his own business. Because we all know how seashells naturally form perfect numerical arrangements with politically charged implications. Mother Nature is just so darn political these days!
Everyone and Their Mother Has Something to Say About It
As you might expect, this little shell game set off a five-alarm fire across Washington. Senator Marsha Blackburn demanded answers: “James Comey is posting cryptic messages online alluding to getting rid of President Trump. Would he like to explain what he means by this given the assassination attempts on President Trump?”Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem went even further, declaring in no uncertain terms: “Disgraced former FBI Director James Comey just called for the assassination of [President] Trump. DHS and Secret Service is investigating this threat and will respond appropriately.”
But nobody brought the rhetorical fire quite like our new DNI Tulsi Gabbard, who declared that “James Comey just issued a call to action to murder the President of the United States” and should be “put behind bars.” She later added, “As a former FBI Director and someone who spent most of his career prosecuting mobsters and gangsters, he knew exactly what he was doing.”
I mean, when the Director of National Intelligence suggests you should be in prison, it might be time to rethink your social media strategy.
“It Was Just Shells, Guys! I Swear!”
Comey, suddenly realizing his beachy art project might have crossed a line or five, quickly deleted the post and attempted damage control. His explanation? “I posted earlier a picture of some shells I saw today on a beach walk, which I assumed were a political message. I didn’t realize some folks associate those numbers with violence. It never occurred to me but I oppose violence of any kind so I took the post down.”Sure, Jim. And I’m just a Nigerian prince looking for someone to help me transfer my fortune.
Are we really supposed to believe that a career FBI man—someone who literally spent decades investigating mob hits and criminal codes—was blissfully unaware that “86” could be interpreted as “eliminate”? The same James Comey who painstakingly documented every conversation with Trump in detailed memos because he was so concerned about propriety suddenly doesn’t understand how his post might be interpreted?
Even the White House distanced itself from Comey’s shell-shocked posting, with Deputy Chief of Staff Taylor Budowich stating, “While President Trump is currently on an international trip to the Middle East, the former FBI Director puts out what can clearly be interpreted as ‘a hit’ on the sitting President of the United States—a message etched in the sand. This is deeply concerning to all of us and is being taken seriously.”
The “It’s Not a Threat, It’s Just Politics” Defense
Of course, some legal experts rushed to Comey’s defense. CNN’s Elie Honig called the outrage “ridiculous,” stating: “This is not a criminally chargeable threat against the president. It’s political speech. It’s way too broad. It’s stupid, it’s reckless. It’s not criminal.”It’s just political speech, guys! Like how yelling “fire” in a crowded theater is just theatrical criticism.
What’s truly fascinating is how Comey has evolved from the supposedly non-partisan, by-the-book FBI Director to a man who endorsed Kamala Harris in the last election, declaring “Kamala Harris made me feel like it’s finally morning in America,” and vowing, “Everyone who cares about the rule of law and America’s indispensable role in the world should vote for Harris and Walz. I will.”
From prosecuting mobsters to arranging seashells on beaches, it’s been quite the career arc for James Comey. The man who once investigated threats against public officials is now having his Instagram investigated by the very agency he used to lead. If that’s not a perfect metaphor for our current political climate, I don’t know what is.
The Beach Where Careers Go to Die
Here’s the thing about social media posts: they’re like tattoos, except everyone sees them before you have a chance to regret them. Comey’s shell arrangement is a perfect reminder that in our hyper-polarized political environment, nothing is ever just “cool shells on a beach.”Current FBI Director Kash Patel confirmed that the bureau is “aware of the recent social media post by former FBI Director James Comey, directed at President Trump. We are in communication with the Secret Service and Director Curran.”
Imagine having to investigate your predecessor’s Instagram. That’s got to be an awkward day at the office.
What’s next in this saga? Will Comey start using TikTok dances to communicate his political views? Will former intelligence officials start using emojis as coded messages? 🍑🍑👀
All I know is, the next time I’m walking on a beach and see seashells forming any kind of pattern whatsoever, I’m running in the opposite direction. In this political climate, even marine mollusks can get you in trouble with the feds.