Oh, hooray! War with Canada

When Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau visited the White House in February, he and President Trump traded nothing but mutual compliments and smiles. And they never smiled bigger than when they discussed the issue of trade between the two countries.

"Having more jobs and trade, right here in North America, is better for the United States and is also much better for Canada," said Trump.

Trudeau replied, "Thirty-five U.S. states list Canada as their largest export market, and our economies benefit from the over $2 billion in two-way trade that takes place every single day. Millions of good, middle-class jobs on both sides of the border depend on this crucial partnership."

But since this moment of amity, Trump has apparently decided that Trudeau was not the Dudley Do-Right he seemed to be. All along, he'd been secretly making war on American jobs from deep within Canada's snowy forests.

Not a real war, of course, but trade war. Trump is upset that Canada has been letting its timber industries pay what he considers excessively low royalties to cut down Canadian trees. This means Canadian lumber companies can sell softwood for lower prices to American industries, a crime that makes the use of the word "bacon" to describe what is clearly just ham seem like a trivial matter in comparison.